As the public information officer of a town the size of a small state, with a population of close to 500,000, and a $300 million budget (that’s a third of a billion, folks), there’s plenty to keep me busy.
I have a few major jobs (and some other minorish jobs as well):
- Getting news out. Which means, say, announcing new budgets, explaining new legislation to put GPS in all town vehicles, or creating and distributing a hurricane disaster guide to keep town taxpayers alive in the event of a disaster (both a humanitarian and fiscal necessity).
- Answering the press inquiries that come in. With seven or eight local newspapers, two local TV stations, and another half-dozen or so, further-off New York City TV stations, and a score of radio stations, there’s no lack of media outlets asking questions. (We deal with two dozen reporters we hear from on multiple stories, every week.) Queries range from animal control laws to highway collapses. We’re talking questions from the reporters and answers from me about landfill revenue; the safety of the town compost facility; new ballparks; quality-of-life code-enforcement including illegal rental houses, excessive noise, trash in the yard, girls being sexually assaulted in homes the town’s boarded up (the media got that one wrong, it was in a trailer behind the house we boarded up); kid quad riders trespassing on town land; if the town makes up the salary difference between town pay and army pay if a town employee gets called up and activated in the Reserve or Guard for more than 21 days (it does); what about a sewage spill at the town marina; what about the 5-year Mastic Pool repair and why did it cost $7 million to fix some tile work; or why were some trees cut down on a field next to the town-owned airport? (‘Cause the FAA said so.)
- Creating advertising or other marketing communications tools to get people to do stuff – like call the town’s info line, 451-TOWN; volunteer to help clean up trash for the “Great Brookhaven Cleanup” (4,000 + volunteers picked up 2 million pounds of litter); or learn about a new way to fund the town purchase of open space land. (People learned about it, didn’t like what they learned, voted it down, and now the town’s tapped outta funds to preserve open space. Can you say Brookhaven’s gonna look just like Corona or Queens Village some day soon?)
But there’s one task that isn’t in my job description: rumor control.
It should be. It could be my full-time job.
And as me old dad used to say….”man – o - man.” There’s no shortage of rumors in this town. You name it, there’s a rumor about it. There’s even a rumor about who’s starting the rumors.
Personnel changes lead the hit parade of juicy topics. (Of course, my fate as a town employee is the rumor I take most interest in!)
Name a job, there’s a rumor about who is in and who is out. As well as who is on the way in and who is on the way out. And why. And when. And who’s behind it.
Then there’s the rumors not about the job, but about the people in the job. Or out of the job. Or on their way in or on their way out.
And, of course, the rumors about who is hiring the people on their way in. And who is firing the people on their way out. Or who isn’t hiring…or who isn’t firing.
Whew.
Need a political rumor? We got a Supervisor who’s running for a state senate seat. That’s like an extra bonus, a free rumor -- for your town tax dollar you get state politics thrown in at no additional charge: He’s running out ‘cause the rep majority took away his power. No, he was asked to run and only agreed reluctantly ‘cause he wants to fight the power grad. He’s not paying any attention to town business. No, he’s paying more attention to town business so no one can accuse him of not paying attention to town business. Etc. Etc. Etc.
New a power rumor? Start with who’s really in charge of the republican majority: a town councilman, a local party leader, or a former town official. Or all three. Or none of the three. Then segue gently into who’s really in charge of the democratic minority: a guy in Town Hall, a party leader not in town hall….hey, it’s the democrats…that means no one is in charge…oops…I meant everyone is in charge…err…someone seems to be in charge, but they’re really not….are they?
How about staff rumors? Who got fired. Who got fired and then hired back.
Who got threatened with a firing but then didn’t get fired and the threat was took back, but now is getting fired anyway. Maybe. Or maybe who got slapped and then fired. Or didn’t get slapped but got accused of slapping and then got fired. Or got sent to the hospital and was gonna sue. But hasn’t sued yet and probably won’t. Unless their attorney is saying wait and then we’ll sue. There are, of course, the usual rumors about who is sleeping with whom. That used to be hot type of rumor. But this is the 21st Century, so sex as a topic has cooled off considerably. That sort of rumor hardly rises to the level of discussion, even when there’s no other rumors around.
With a town the size of Brookhaven, you’d think we’d hear some good rumors from outside Town Hall. I mean with a half-million people to draw from there’s gotta be something good-n-juicy out there. No?
Not a chance!
It’s like that old Colgate Dental Cream (toothpaste) commercial, like when I was ten. You didn’t get cavities because of the “invisible Gardol Shield!” Only Colgate could protect your teeth with Gardol!!!!
We’ll after Crest and 9 out of 10 dentists recommending it and fluoride and all, you’d think Gardol got retired.
Wrong!
It got recycled.
The invisible Gardol shield now protects Town Hall from anything outside, coming inside.
The entire Brookhaven Town Hall universe is only about 150 yards long -- the length of the corridor from the elevator to the Supervisor’s/Town Council suites and 50 yards wide – the width of the building from the Town Attorney’s Office to the office suite of the Commissioner of Finance.
That’s it. The whole Brookhaven universe bound up on one half of one floor of Town Hall. We’re talking an entire population of maybe 100 people. Total. Max. That’s the whole world that counts. And Gardol keeps it protected.
But all those rumors swirling around inside the Gardol Shield, it’s like critical mass in an atom bomb -- the fusion variety where it all gets pushed together so closely, gets packed so densely, gets so hyper-saturated with energy it triggers itself and KER-BOOM….a mushroom cloud and a big bang and enough fallout to poison the world, or at least New York’s second largest town.
Think of all that power; everything getting closer and closer together; getting hotter and hotter; the electrons spinning faster and faster and faster; hotter, closer, faster; hotter, closer, faster; more electrons, more power, more spin, hotter, closer, faster; more power rubbing against power…more people rubbing against people (mostly the wrong way)…until…until…until….blam: critical mass.
Alamogordo south of the Sound. Fat Man and Little Boy right here in Farmingville. The Enola Gay taking off from Calabro Airport. Oppemheimer, the first A-bomb's architect, saying, “I have become death, the destroyer of worlds.” (His quote is from the Hindu scripture the Bhagavad Gita.)
So as the rumor mill continues to grind and reputations, careers, livelihoods, futures, plans, families and people are fed in to the hopper; to come out the other end ground very fine indeed. Ya gotta wonder….why? For what purpose? For whose benefit?
Well, there’s a rumor about that, of course.
I could tell you, but it isn’t really my job.
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